jesus, it's been a while.
i just received the letter i wrote when i was 17. i had completely forgotten about it, and completely forgotten about this website. i guess this is the joy - being caught by surprise. i sure enjoyed it.
it's September. 2019. i'll be twenty next year, which is maddening to think about. i'll be in my twenties. the legendary twenties. i don't know how to feel about that, especially knowing i have no clue what i want to do with my life. it's been stressful. it's been insane. it's been a rollercoaster. one day i'm on the top of the world, the other one i'm in rock bottom. at least my rock bottoms aren't half as severe as they used to be.
what a crazy year, i swear to god. i don't even know if it was a good one or not. sure, i guess some things have changed for the better, and i learned new skills - but i'm still as isolated as ever. i'll try to make next year all about coming out of my shell. making friendships, or at least not ruining all of the ones i still have.
i really tapped into my feelings this year. no avoiding. not only did i write about it, but i FELT it. i allowed myself to do some healing work. i read books and worked in incorporating their exercises to my life. i analyzed everything.
but maybe that's the point: to stop analyzing everything a bit. i love writing my poems, but they keep me chained to my head all the damn time. i keep having to overthink so i have what to write about, and that has quickly become unhealthy. i need to let myself be for a while. if i miss the opportunity to write about it, then so be it. living it is more important anyway. i don't need to suffer for my art.
if i begin working, then i'll learn a shit ton of stuff in a very short while. plus, i'll have a serious reason to get out of the house every day. it'll be an excuse to dress up, to take care of myself. most days i find myself too devoid of energy to actually work on my outer appearance, even though i know that feeling clean and pretty actually helps out my mental health. and in the few times i wore makeup i felt so good. it doesn't need to be everyday, but self-care is essential - and sometimes self-care may be makeup and nice clothing.
i did work a lot on my body image this year. i read a book that changed my mindset, and worked out every exercise on it, which really tapped into my beliefs and helped me change it. i feel good. sometimes it's still hard, but overall i feel better about myself than i have ever been, and i'm starting to wear clothing i stopped simply because i felt i couldn't with my body type, which i now know it's bullshit.
i am journaling a lot, too. it's helping, i guess. maybe the best things right now would be not to write. i don't know. writing just feels like a part of me, of how i see the world. but maybe i need to see the world with my own eyes.
i hope you're doing okay. i hope you learned a lot. i hope you're happy.
with love,
pitzer.